


Can't Help But Want You Back

by manonlemelon



Series: If I Let You Go [4]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Liam has a pretty intense ied episode, M/M, and is missing Theo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-01
Updated: 2018-09-01
Packaged: 2019-07-05 10:14:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15861594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/manonlemelon/pseuds/manonlemelon
Summary: Liam is happily in a relationship, at least that is what he tells himself but the truth is he still misses Theo, still love him despite not letting himself see that. Something happens that makes everything come crashing down and Liam has to face his feelings.Part 4 aka what happened that lead to the phone call at the end of Hold On To That Heart Break





	Can't Help But Want You Back

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry it took so long life was being a bitch and I was a bit stuck song wise but you can all thank Amanda because she is the one that made this happen by giving me the song that unlocked it all!  
> Barely edited sorry for all the mistakes.  
> Title inspired by War of Hearts by Ruelle and Want You Back by 5 seconds of summer  
> Songs used in the chapter: [War Of Hearts by Ruelle](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=49ZhrgtR-S4) and [You Are My Sunshine cover by Jasmine Thompson](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2cBzMSPYKas)

Liam was happy. Not blissfully happy like he was high on rainbow, but he was happy. He knew this kind of happiness was the best he could ever hope for. Anything else would require someone he could never have again. Someone he shouldn’t want, not with what they did to each other. Sure, he could reach complexion with Theo, but he could just as easily reach rock bottom. Which is probably expected when you love someone so completely it consumes you. There is no in between it’s too intense. But it didn’t matter because he was content with his life. He has a girlfriend, they’ve been together for 3 months now and it has been going great. For once nothing was happening in Beacon Hills and he was able to enjoy life without worrying about having to protect anyone or dying.

He had long made peace with his eyes. This was part of him now, sure he wished he wasn’t branded as a killer, but he could never regret his action. And a small part of him loved that he had blue eyes, no matter how twisted it made him. It was the one thing that will forever link him to Theo. The one thing that proved he loved him that much. He still did.

He didn’t miss him as much as he used to. Well at least he convinced himself he didn’t. Even if his most played song on his laptop was saying otherwise but no one had to know that. Not that it mattered though not now anyway because his girlfriend was coming, and they will have a nice night in, making food and watching movies cuddled on the couch.

His train of thought was interrupted by soft knocking on the door. He went to open it and was met by Megan, a smile on her face and a bottle of wine in her hand. She went in for a quick kiss and straight to the kitchen dropping carefully the bottle on the counter before putting her stuff away while telling him about her day. Liam shook his head as to chase the other boy from his mind and focused himself on the pretty girl that was currently pouring herself a glass of wine. The fact that she was this comfortable in his kitchen made him smile. She handed him a glass as well unaware that it couldn’t affect him. That was one thing Liam hated about dating humans not in on the supernatural. Always having to pretend. But he never wanted to tell them too early on, there was no point if they were just going to dump him 4 months in because he “wasn’t serious enough about their relationships”. Or Liam doing the dumping because they didn’t have the right voice, right smile, right eyes… Often close but never quite good enough.

Everything was going great, food was well on its way of being prepared, soft kisses were exchanged whenever they crossed paths it was as a good date should be. Until it wasn’t. Nothing could have ever prepared Liam to what happened. It went from a perfect night in to his worst nightmare with just one word. Liam was busy filling their glasses again when Megan asked him to pass her the chopped carrots that were next to Liam which in itself wasn’t anything unusual. But the one word she uttered at the beginning of her sentence was. The moment he heard it everything froze. All that was left was this deep feeling of wrongness, as if he just betrayed something sacred. No one should ever be able to say this word while referring to him. No one except one person. The one person that Liam never stopped loving. The first one that called him that. That made him feel like it was truly what he was. His Sunshine.

The noise when the bottle shattered on the ground brought Liam back to the reality. A reality he didn’t want to believe in, this wasn’t happening. This couldn’t…. Suddenly all he wanted was to have Theo back. Theo in the kitchen making food with him. Theo called him Sunshine. He missed this more than anything else, the way his voice sounded when he said the word, so full of what he had come to understand as love. The way his eyes used to shine, looking at Liam like he was the best thing in the universe. He missed it. Craved for it. Felt like the world would end if he didn’t have Theo right in front of him in the next second. But that would never happen. Because Beacon Hills was free of any danger and the chimera far away and it felt like he couldn’t breathe.

A hand reached gently his back, he could feel it rubbing gently over his shoulder in what should be a reassuring manner.

“Hey, you okay?” He could hear the concern as well as love in the gentle tone of her voice. It didn’t help. This was wrong. Wrong voice. Wrong hands. Wrong person. He could feel the anger starting to bubble into him. Blind rage. He tried to push it down he really did but there was no fighting it. He jerked away from her touch. All his pain turned into anger, at the one person that cause it all. Deep down he knew that the girl in front of him wasn’t responsible for any of this but right now he couldn’t focus on that. He knew what he was feeling was fueled by his IED, knew he was about to explode and couldn’t do anything about it. He shouldn’t blame her, but he did because she dared utter the word. The white hot feeling in his stomach finally took over completely releasing the monster he became when his IED was in control.

“What did you just call me?” His tone was dry, snappy, his anger evident.

“Liam are you okay?” Megan asked, her voice overcome with worry.

He wasn’t okay. She had no right.

“You have no right to call me that. Don’t ever do it again.” He snarled finally turning around to face her, his face distorted in rage.

She took a step back realizing, what was happening, she knew about Liam’s condition obviously, but she had never witnessed it before.

“I’m sorry okay it’s just that it’s your most played song and I thought it would be something you’d like I never meant to trigger you. I didn’t know this could happen.”

“You need to go.”

“It’s okay I can handle this. This is part of who you are I’m not about to leave you like this.”

“Go. You can’t be here for this. I don’t want you here. I don’t want to see your face or hear your voice I need you to just fucking get away from me.”

“Liam.” She whimpered.

He could feel his claws threatening to come out, his fang starting to elongate, and his eyes seconds away from blazing electric blue. He put his hands into fists to prevent the claws from being exposed but there was nothing he could do for the wolfish features that will soon appears on his face.

“What part of I don’t want you anywhere near me didn’t you understand? Go. Now.” He growled. He wouldn’t be able to hold off his wolf for much longer. He didn’t want to. It was howling for blood, his IED making him see red, he wanted to hurt her, find the words that would break her the way she broke him.

“Please” he whimpered he couldn’t do this, not right now couldn’t handle having to desperately keep his wolf in check while handling his IED with someone who didn’t know how to react to him during an episode. He needed her to go. Didn’t want to risk hurting her. He’d rather hurt himself. He closed his eyes knowing full well what they would look like if he hadn’t. Blazing blue.

Luckily, she didn’t say anything anymore just grabbed her coat and back and left, a lingering worry buried underneath the hurt still present in her scent.

The moment the door closed behind her his eyes snapped open, his wolf set free claws extended and before he knew it his hand was forming a fist again and punching the wall repeatedly.

 

* * *

 

Once his IED finally calmed down, allowing him to see past the red rage he had to face up to all the other feelings. Guilt, over scaring Megan away, hurting her. Pain, it felt like Theo being gone all over again. He knew he shouldn’t, they weren’t good for each other, but he couldn’t help himself. Everything he told himself over the years were a lie. He still loved Theo, just as much as he had when he decided the chimera was worth killing for. He still loved him and it hurt like hell.

Eventually the punches stopped and all that was left was Liam holding onto a wall, head resting against it, ragged breath coming out of his lungs. The tears started to well up in his eyes, slowly dripping down his cheeks as Liam turned around and sunk on the floor, back resting against the wall. Sobs escaped his lips, the overwhelming feeling of realizing that he was never going to stop loving Theo, never going to get over him, never not wanting him back desperately no matter how wrong they were for each other slowly sunk in. There was nothing he could do against the hold that Theo Raeken had on his heart and to be perfectly honest he didn’t want to. How did a perfect night turned into him crying alone over the one boy he loved more than anything? His heart was aching for one thing and one thing only, for the word to be said by the most perfect voice he had ever heard. He just wanted the chimera to suddenly materialize next to him and call him Sunshine, wanted to be in his arms so badly he could feel the phantom of Theo’s embrace on his skin.

But that was never going to happen so Liam did the next best thing. He discovered the song not long after he came to term with Theo’s departure and accepted that he will always miss the chimera calling him Sunshine. It was his most played song, had been for years, maybe he had been listening to it a bit too much but it was the only thing that made him feel better when his craving for Theo saying the word was too intense. So he hit play on his phone and wrap himself tightly in his arms, hugging himself, tears still streaming, letting the words envelop him.

 

_You are my sunshine_

_My only sunshine_

_You make me happy_

_When skies are gray_

_You'll never know, dear_

_How much I love you_

_Please don't take my sunshine away_

 

A thought started to form in Liam’s mind when the voice says ‘Please don’t take my sunshine away.’, one that never occurred to him before. He couldn’t help but wonder if this is how Theo felt after he left, like someone took his sunshine away. Like his Sunshine went away willingly, ran away from him. He couldn’t help himself as his sobs became more violent. All he wanted was Theo. All he needed was Theo. Liam just wanted to feel the chimera’s arms around him, hear his voice whisper how he is his Sunshine in his ear. He would give everything to hear Theo say it one last time. But the sad truth was he probably never will.

Liam stayed like this for a while, sobbing over the boy he could never have again, listening to the same song over and over again. The pain never diminishing. Constantly hitting him, like a wave he was stuck under, drowning.

 

* * *

 

After a while Liam heard his front door open and soft, quick footstep making his way toward him. Eventually a hand gently touched his shoulder, by the scent and heartbeat he could tell it was Mason. The beta looked up, eyes glowing blue full of tears that were running down his face, Mason immediately sat next down to the beta and Liam rested his head on the other boy’s shoulder.

“How did you know?”

“Megan called said you had an episode, she seemed really freaked out I figured I should check on you.”

For the first time since Liam came down from his IED episode the pain he felt over Theo wasn’t the first thing in his mind, instead he was reminded of the girl he hurt, to whom he said awful things when she just wanted to help. The guilt was overwhelming him.

“God I…. I need to go see her, I need to apologize. I… She must be terrified of me and hate me and she should. I told her…. I need to tell her how sorry I am!!”

Mason sighed, and put and arm around Liam, rubbing soothing circles on his friend’s shoulder.

“Liam… You shouldn’t go rushing in, you are in no state of going anywhere and she probably don’t want to see you right now.”

“But I need to do something I can’t just….” Mason knew very well how Liam’s IED worked, once the anger passed and the guilt hit, he would freak out about finding a way to make it right, to fix what he did, said…. And that was exactly what was happening as Liam’s panicked tone and shallow breathing indicated.

“If you really want to do something text her, say you’re sorry and ask her if she would be willing to meet so you can apologize.”

“Yeah, you’re right I’ll do that.” Liam finally calmed down settling himself in his best friend arms while still managing to be all curled up on himself, making himself as small as possible. The pain returned accompanied by the tears. He pulled out his phone to send a text to Megan.

“What happened?” Mason asked softly.

“She… She didn’t know and she called me Sunshine and I snapped. I just… I miss him so much Mase. Why do I still miss him this much? Isn’t it supposed to get better after all this time? Why do I still love him like he never left? How do I keep going? I’ve tried so many times to get over him, but it never works what if it never works what if I’ll be alone forever? Why does it still hurt so bad? It feels like he left yesterday. I still miss him just as much if not more. I just want to be his Sunshine again. I just...”

“I want him back” he said through heavy sobs and so brokenly it sounded like the desperate plea of a dying man.

“Maybe... maybe you were wrong back then, maybe we both were and maybe Theo isn’t the worse thing for you. I mean ever since he left sure you’ve been better, your moral compass is back at full force, you fight for the right things like before. But whenever it gets too much you still think like Theo the only difference is you call him to deal with it and he shows up do the dirty work and leaves like nothing ever happened. Liam. What do you need to be happy right now? What would make you happy?”

“Theo. I want him there in my life, I just want everything we never got to have, without the pain and heartache and drama. I want to make dinner with him, to cuddle on the couch with him but above all I just want him to call me Sunshine again. I just want to be his Sunshine again. I want him back. So much.” Sobs broke in Liam again as he let know just how desperately he craved the chimera.

“Then get him back. Maybe it’s time. He isn’t the same Theo that left. A lot can change in 5 years.”

“I can’t ask him to come back. He would I know he would, but he is happy in Redding I know he has someone he loves there I could smell them on him the last time he came. And Beacon Hills is no good for Theo. What does he even have here except me? People that hates him? And what if I’m wrong? What if he doesn’t…” Liam wasn’t even able to finish that sentence to say out loud that Theo might not love him anymore, implying that he did love him once despite what Liam used to tell himself. It was too much. The idea of Theo not loving him anymore was too much.

“And what if he is as miserable as you are without him? And I don’t think anyone really hates him anymore, he helped too much, it’s been too long. Well okay maybe Malia and Stiles but they would come around. This is about you, about what you need to be happy and if it’s Theo then so be it. We will deal. And as for if he still loves you? I know for a fact he still has you as Sunshine in his phone so I’m pretty sure he still does.”

Liam couldn’t help the whine that escaped his lips at the word. Maybe Mason was right, maybe just maybe he could get Theo back. Maybe this time it wouldn’t destroy Liam. Theo wasn’t the same. Neither was Liam. Maybe being apart for so long was what they needed to finally be able to work. So, Liam picked up his phone and scrolled down in his contact until he saw the one name he was looking for and hit the call button.

Theo never picked up. Of course, he wouldn’t. After all it’s been months since he last contacted the chimera, maybe he finally moved on. Decided he didn’t want to come back and save them all by doing what Liam couldn’t. Leaving him to be left alone. Desperately still in love, in pain, yearning for a voice saying one word.

 

_I can't help but love you_

_Even though I try not to_

_I can't help but want you_

_I know that I'd die without you_

 

Liam dropped the phone on the floor, head hitting the wall behind him.

“What do I do now? He doesn’t even want to talk to me!”

“Now you get up we sit on the couch and watch Brooklyn 99 until you fall asleep, there could be a million reason why he didn’t pick up. You will try again tomorrow for now just try to recuperate. You just had an episode and your emotions are all over the place. It’s gonna be okay Liam.”

And that is exactly what they ended up doing, two friends watching the show they loved until the tears started drying and tiny smiles made an appearance on Liam’s face. He slowly started to make comments as he always did despite still feeling the pain of Theo’s absence, after all it was a pain he had grown used to over the years it was jus worse now because of how long it was since he last saw the chimera.

Liam stopped mid-sentenced about Terry and his love for yoghurt, interrupted by a knock on his door and a heartbeat he would recognize everywhere.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> There is one part left that hopefully won't take as long I have the song figured out already so that's good!


End file.
